hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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