I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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