you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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