Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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