I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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