Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
