tell your sister to shave her snatch
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
