no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
