It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
