i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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