When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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