Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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