im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
