When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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