Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
