Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
