I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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