just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
