i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
