I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
