Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
