She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
