half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
