thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
