Pregnant stripper...not hot.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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