You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
