I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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