Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
