why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
your like the ambassador to my penis.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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