So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
