Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You're breaking my sexual little heart
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
