just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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