News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
