So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
