Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
