My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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