i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
