Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
