I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
