by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
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The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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