I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Bang-toberfest begins!!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
