There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
