You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
