I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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