Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
