I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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