I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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