i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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