so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
