On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ugly people sure do ruin things
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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