Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
