bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
