Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize