I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
