Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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