The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
