I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
