Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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