My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
