Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
