i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
