Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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