I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
