pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
