I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
