And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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