i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize